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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Why Girls Date Losers and What Can Be Done

Photo courtesy of: David Castillo Dominici at

I watch it happen all the time: a lovely girl goes out with a guy who has all the red flags. I can see from the beginning it won’t be a happy outcome, but the girl's infatuated. She ignores the indications.

So, what can anyone do?

If I’m close to the woman, I warn her before it’s too late—before they’re serious or married. Over ten years after I talked to her, a friend said to me, “I knew what I was doing. You warned me.” But, she went ahead, married a non-Christian, divorced, and some years later, she’s in a similar relationship with another man who’s even worse for her. So very sad!

Why do girls (women of any age) date losers?
  • They don’t like themselves. Somewhere deep inside they believe they’re not worthy of a better man. They’re down on themselves, so they look for someone who’s below par.
  • They’re oblivious. They simply don’t see the red flags, the signals that this man will not be what he should be or treat them right. They are a little bit happy-ditzy.
  • They think one or two red flags don’t matter. They’re willing to overlook a few serious problems, thinking only of the good qualities in the man. They don’t try to work through the issues. They ignore them.
  • They pity the guy. Sympathetic girls may even begin the relationship trying to help the man overcome his issues. This is a bad sign always! Believe me, if a guy needs serious help, he will never be a strong leader and protector for you. Never.
  • Men can be smooth and slick. Some men know exactly how to soothe, sweet talk, and pull a few over on a girl who wants to believe in him. Girls should watch actions more than words.
  • The girl thinks the man will change, do better, and learn in the future. Wrong! If they change, it’s usually for the worse.

So, girls date men that aren’t good for them, men they shouldn’t trust. And, many times, they marry them.

How can you tell if a man is bad news or not?
  1. Analyze the man before your heart’s involved. Look for both good and bad. Ask his friends about him. Ask his pastor. (I can’t stress this enough. Ask his pastor!!!!) Watch him. Become the best detective in the world. (You might be interested in my post with a list about what to look for. You can access it here.)
  2. Never date a man you pity. Never!
  3. If you see a red flag—or a friend points one out—confront the man about it. Then, listen to see if it’s really an issue or not. Watch from that point on to see if it’s a genuine problem. Look at it coldly. Emotions should never be a part of this process.
  4. Look at the practical side. Does he have a job? Does he work hard? Does he treat you with respect? Can you trust him completely? What kind of baggage does he have? (Abuse? Has he been married? Does he have children? Did he leave his wife?)
  5. Find out about his home growing up. Was there abuse? Was there a kind atmosphere? How did his parents relate to each other and to their children? How did they express/not express love? Ask lots of questions about his home.
  6. Look at his actions rather than his words. How does he treat his mother, sisters, aunts, and grandmas? Is he respected? Is he kind? Does he spend his money wisely? Does he look at porn? Does he watch raunchy music videos and movies? Does he have any addictions (drugs, gambling, self-harm, video games, tobacco, alcohol, etc.)?
  7. If you’ve already been on a date with him, does he treat your body with respect and keep his hands to himself? 

The very most important consideration is whether or not he’s a godly man.
  • Is he a born-again Christian? If not, you have no reason to date him. Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)
  • Does he attend church faithfully—and did he even before he met you? Is he active in his church?
  • Does he have personal devotions on a daily basis? Is his faith important to him? Does he talk about God with you? Does he pray with you—besides the blessing?
  • Does he have a ministry?
  • Does his pastor speak highly of him?
  • Would he be a spiritual leader for you?
  • If any of the questions above got a “no” answer, this man will not be good for you. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s true. (If he’s a new Christian, give him some years to grow in the Lord before you date him. By then, you will be able to judge if he evidences the fruit of the Spirit in his life. Galatians 5:22-23)

If you’re thinking about or are in a dating relationship with anyone, please take some time to analyze and scrutinize your man. Leave your emotions—and his good looks—out of it, and see if he’s someone that deserves your trust.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular
so love his wife even as himself;
and the wife see that she reverence (respect) her husband.
(Ephesians 5:33)

Can you respect him? Or not?

May the Lord bless you!


  1. Very good advice. For four years I dated a guy who was very jealous and easily angry - after having a father who was the same way, and telling myself I would never marry anyone like that! I was a new Christian and he was the first Christian guy I dated, so I naively thought his being a Christian made everything ok. And, I thought, no one is perfect, we all have faults, if this is the guy the Lord has for me then that's just something I'll have to deal with. No one warned me about him because no one really saw that side of him. Finally things came to a crisis and I broke it off with the thought that I hadn't really prayed about our relationship beforehand, and we needed to step back and see if the Lord brought us together. It was only after I got away from the relationship that I began to see things more clearly, and I thank God for delivering me from that situation. I don't hate the guy and I wish him well - I lost touch with him and I hope he went on to grow in the Lord. But I am glad it wasn't with me. :-)

    1. Thank you, Barbara, for sharing your story. I have my own God-spared-me stories. I am soooo thankful I ended up with a truly wonderful man. God bless you!


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